Marriage Monday...Happy Valentine's Day!

Mark says: Last week Jill came home telling me about a man she was behind in the checkout aisle at the grocery store.  As we were making dinner that evening, she shared with me her experience and her thoughts about his simple purchase.  We talked about it for a while and eventually she decided to write an article in our local newspaper about it. We decided that this article is most appropriate for today’s Valentine’s Day Marriage Monday.

What Real Romance Looks Like
By Jill Savage

I stood behind a man in the supermarket checkout lane who was set for romance. He was only purchasing two items: a dozen roses and a box of chocolates. I had to smile. Some lucky lady was going to be pleasantly surprised with his thoughtful gift.

However, flowers and candy only go so far in a relationship. This is because love that lasts a lifetime is not a feeling, but a choice. I wonder if that man in the checkout lane knows…

…that real romance is about learning to listen, even when you’re too tired to want to.

…that real romance requires us to occasionally love someone who is unlovable in the moment.

…that real romance has to be nurtured each and every day for it to last a lifetime.

…that real romance is not a 50-50 agreement…it’s giving 100% even when you don’t receive 100% sometimes.

…that real romance is appreciating the differences in the one you love rather than trying to change them.

…that real romance is about forgiving, sometimes dozens of times a day.

…that real romance is choosing to love even when you feel otherwise for whatever reason.

…that real romance is about praying, “God, change me,” instead of “God, change him or her.”

…that real romance is about being emotionally intimate before you’re ever physically intimate.

…that real romance requires thoughtfulness, kindness, and large doses of patience.

…that real romance is bathing the kids, helping with dishes, and running the vacuum.

…that real romance is giving a back rub when you’d rather receive one.

…that real romance is learning to communicate in better ways than you have in the past.

…that real romance is saving money out of each paycheck for you to do an overnight away once or twice a year.

…that real romance is learning to trust another person with your deepest fears and failures.

…that real romance is doing something with your loved one that they love, even if you don’t.

…that real romance is leaving the past behind and believing the hope of the future.

…that real romance puts a hedge of protection around your relationship, keeping temptation at bay with intentionality.

…that real romance looks nothing like the movies…it’s messy, it’s hard, and it’s it takes a lot of effort.

With today being Valentine’s Day, why don’t you commit to some real romance in your relationship? These romantic gestures will say “I love you,” better than chocolate or roses any day!

Marriage Monday: Simple changes that make a BIG difference

This past Tuesday, we read a letter in the Dear Abby column in our local newspaper. Signed “Happier Than Ever,” the author of the letter shared how a simple change in routine THAT COST ABSOLUTELY NOTHING transformed her marriage.

After reading the column Jill and I decided it was good enough to share as a Marriage Monday post.  Let’s see what we can learn from this very wise mom:

DEAR ABBY: So often I read about troubled marriages in your column. May I share with you something that my husband and I started doing that has transformed what I thought was a good marriage into a blissful one?

One day, after complaining that we had no quality time together — we rarely talked, much less made love — my husband suggested we turn off the television and offered to give me a massage.

Ever since, four or five times a week, once the children are in bed, we go into our bedroom, take off our clothes and give each other long massages. Sometimes we spend the entire time in conversation, other times we savor the peace and quiet. Sometimes we make passionate love; other times we fall asleep naked in each other’s arms, completely content.

It doesn’t matter how it turns out; it’s wonderful and it has made the rest of our lives less stressful and more enjoyable. Our sex life is better than before the children came, and we sleep in the nude more often.

I hope you’ll print this. More marriages would take a turn for the better if couples made time for each other and discovered the wonders of massage. — HAPPIER THAN EVER

What we loved about this was the simplicity of the decision they made to turn off the television and INVEST in their marriage.

Over the years, we have used this strategy in different ways.  Many years ago we would turn the TV off and play Yahtzee…just the two of us.  In the summer, we step away from the TV and the computers a couple of nights a week and sit out on the porch swing after the kids are in bed and talk.  In the past year, our Craig’s list hot tub has provided a little getaway for us right in our own yard.

It’s always a challenge to start a new routine…but when it comes to our marriage it’s worth taking the challenge!  Yes, you might have to give us some computer time or your favorite television show.  But isn’t your marriage worth it?

Investing in your marriage doesn’t have to cost a dime…it just requires a little bit of intentionality.  Don’t you think “intentionally investing” in your marriage might be the best Valentine’s gift you could give each other this year?

What about you? What “doesn’t cost a dime” changes have you or are you making to invest in your marriage?

Marriage Mondays

Our friend Jody made this statement, “The two best indicators of whether you’re living your value system are your calendar and your checkbook.”

As we start the new year, most of us give some thought to “resolutions,” or ways that we resolve to change.  We think about weight, fitness, being in the Bible more, slowing down, getting more involved, or not being over-committed. But how often do we think of “investing more in my marriage?”  Today’s Marriage Monday is about resolving to invest more in your marriage.

Mark says…
When Jill and I have hit the hard seasons of our marriage, we’ve done what we needed to do: get back to a weekly date, sort through issues with a counselor, increase our talk time at home, go to a marriage seminar, or read a book on marriage.
These are all great strategies for getting a relationship back on track, but the problem with all of them is that they are reactive.

Jill says…
Reactive strategies work for the short term, but a healthy marriage relationship requires us to be proactive far more often than we are reactive.  Unfortunately, too many marriages on put on autopilot.  They are virtually ignored until a crash occurs.  And then the crash causes us to react.

Mark says…
Jill and I have definitely been in the reactive cycle before.  We identify a problem and patch up our relationship enough to get it back on track.  But this is a short-term fix, not a long-term investment.

Jill says…
As we launch into the new year, we all need to be proactive about investing in our marriage relationship.  The goal needs to be so intentional about deepening our communication and intimacy that there’s no need to be reactive!

Mark says…
Most of us would say that our marriage is a priority…but when we do an honest evaluation of our calendar, we see very little–if any–time set aside to spend time with our spouse.

Jill says…
We want to extend a challenge to you…and it’s one we’re extending to ourselves.  This week, set aside one hour to talk about strategies that you will set in 2011 to invest in your marriage.  Here are a list of ideas to get you started in setting some practical strategies in place:

• Set one evening each week as a no computer/no TV night that you and your spouse have a date in your own house. Play a board game or a card game, share dessert by candlelight, etc.
• Set aside a set amount of money every paycheck for you to spend on your marriage. Even $10/paycheck can make a big difference!
• Decide a regular date night and put it on the calendar. Make regular childcare arrangements: trade with another couple, ask Grandma and Grandpa, hire a teen in the neighborhood, etc.
• Take 15. Start a new routine of taking 15 minutes to sit and talk face to face before or after dinner each night.
• Hold hands and pray each night when you go to bed.
  
• Put dates on the calendar for an overnight getaway in 2011. It could be one or more nights where the kids go to grandma’s and the two of you stay home. It could also be a bed and breakfast getaway or a to visit to a place you’ve always wanted to visit.

We’re sure you’ll have even more practical ideas to share!  Put some strategies in place and share them with us this week so we can all be inspired!

Now start putting your priorities on the calendar.  We can’t wait to hear about your plans!

Do I have any Florida Blog Friends?

Jill and I are excited to be part of the Focus on the Family "Celebrate Family" Tour. We'll be at the Orlando, Florida, event on Wednesday, May 19.


If you live close enough to come to the Orlando event, we'd love to meet you! It's a FREE event at the Doubletree Hotel at the entrance to Universal Orlando.

If you don't live in Florida but have friends in Florida that might be interested in joining us for a great evening, please pass along this information to them!

We'll be discussing Living With Less So Your Family Has More! Also featured will be musician Jonny Diaz. You can find more information about the event HERE!

post before midnight

Hey all, To celebrate the Ultimate Blog Party 2010, I am doing a giveaway. During April 9 -25 if anyone leaves a comment on this post you're automatically entered to win our new release Living with Less so your Family has More book. The winner will be selected and announced on the 26th.

If you comment before midnight tonight you will be included in this give a way

Welcome to Marriage Monday (even though it is Tuesday)

Today Jill and I are starting what we hope to be a weekly feature on our blogs: Marriage Monday.

Jill and I speak and write together about marriage. Each Monday we'll share about a common marriage struggle and how we've learned to handle it. You just might want to share these Monday posts with your spouse!

Jill says:

"He's not wrong, he's just different. He's not wrong, he's just different." I repeated that phrase over and over through clenched teeth as I tried to keep perspective in one more clash with my wrong unique, very-different-from-me husband.

Honestly Mark and I are complete opposites.


He likes coffee; I like tea.
He likes mornings; I'm a night owl.
He prefers spicy food; Mild for me.
He is an extrovert; I'm an introvert.
He's an external processor; I'm an internal processor.

When we were dating, those differences drew us to one another. For the past 27 years, they've been driving us crazy.

But God didn't make a mistake when He brought us together on a blind date right after I graduated from high school. I've come to learn that those differences are designed to do two things:

1) They complete us.
2) They refine us.

Our differences are complementary. While Mark has no trouble getting up with the kids in the morning, I don't do mornings so well. And when Mark wears out early in the evening, I'm fine staying up for our teenagers to be home by a midnight curfew. His desire to talk through issues draws me out. My desire to think deeply about decisions prompts Mark to think more thoroughly at times.

Our differences refine me. Author Gary Thomas asks the question, "What if God gave us marriage, not to make us happy, but to make us more holy?" I've come to realize that dealing with our differences sometimes brings out a not-so-pretty side of me. In those unlovely moments, I can choose to rationalize my behavior or I can own my behavior: tell God--and Mark--I'm sorry. When I'm able to do that, I find myself closer to both God and my husband.

Mark says:

When Jill and I first met, I loved how different she was from me. Places I was weak she was strong. And places that she had little experience, I excelled. We were the perfect team...until we said, "I do," and started living day in and day out together.

I must admit, I honestly thought our differences would eventually disappear with enough years of marriage. The Bible talks about "oneness" and that's what I thought "oneness" meant. We would eventually think the same and decisions would be made together very easily. Because I was not defining "oneness" correctly, when our differences have felt so challenging I have wrongly believed them to be a liability to our relationship. "This is just too hard," I've muttered under my breath too many times. My wrong expectations of how I thought marriage should be was keeping my heart discontent much of the time.

Jill and I have always believed in the value of counseling. We've sought out marriage counseling in our toughest seasons and personal counseling when we feel the need to strengthen our own emotional health. Between counseling and allowing God to refine me, I've come to a new understanding of what "oneness" really is. "Oneness" happens when we accept and embrace our differences and are committed to working together for the common good of the family.

This new definition has brought about a new calm in my heart. My expectations have drastically changed. I'm not looking for decisions to always be easy anymore. We still have to work hard to blend our perspectives at times. I now realize that we will always be different. I have laid down the divisiveness. I've stopped trying to change Jill (well, at least most of the time!)

I'm still working on embracing those differences, but my guess is that will be a lifetime journey!