i don't want to talk about it

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Hey dads, have you ever said this to your wife?

Early in marriage I found myself making this statement to Jill…often. Inside of me, I hardened my heart and shut down my mind to those hard conversations. I now understand I did this because I didn’t want the conflict. I didn’t know how to have those hard conversations. I didn’t believe I could win. I wasn’t sure what my issue or perspective actually was. And I didn’t want to tell the truth, for fear of hurting Jill or once again experiencing conflict.

I made radical changes when I pursued a professional counselor to help me sort through my thoughts. Additionally, I read books about marriage, conflict, and communication, and sought out others to mentor me through this. I also got honest with myself, asking “If I were responding to my boss like I am responding to my wife, would I still be employed?” I also asked myself, “Why am I giving more effort to my job over my spouse?”

I’ve learned that shutting Jill out destroys her trust. She craved to hear my heart and my thoughts. She needed me to engage.

After years of mentoring hurting marriages, I believe many divorces could be averted by taking this one step in marriage. In being honest I found the fears I believed were unwarranted. I also learned that I needed the conversation probably more than she did. When I communicated on a continual basis with her, it cleared my head and my heart.

Here are some strategies I have learned:
1. Make time for conversations each day, approximately 15 minutes, asking how was your day and what are your expectations for tonight? Keep the conversation going by asking questions.
2. Set a time to talk through harder issues. I have learned that I do best when I write down my thoughts and have that piece of paper with me for these types of conversations.
3. Don’t be afraid to visit a professional counselor to get past a place in which you continually find yourself stuck. Emotional health is just as important as physical health.

Do you find yourself shut off in marriage? How are you moving past that place?