Marriage Monday: Simple changes that make a BIG difference

This past Tuesday, we read a letter in the Dear Abby column in our local newspaper. Signed “Happier Than Ever,” the author of the letter shared how a simple change in routine THAT COST ABSOLUTELY NOTHING transformed her marriage.

After reading the column Jill and I decided it was good enough to share as a Marriage Monday post.  Let’s see what we can learn from this very wise mom:

DEAR ABBY: So often I read about troubled marriages in your column. May I share with you something that my husband and I started doing that has transformed what I thought was a good marriage into a blissful one?

One day, after complaining that we had no quality time together — we rarely talked, much less made love — my husband suggested we turn off the television and offered to give me a massage.

Ever since, four or five times a week, once the children are in bed, we go into our bedroom, take off our clothes and give each other long massages. Sometimes we spend the entire time in conversation, other times we savor the peace and quiet. Sometimes we make passionate love; other times we fall asleep naked in each other’s arms, completely content.

It doesn’t matter how it turns out; it’s wonderful and it has made the rest of our lives less stressful and more enjoyable. Our sex life is better than before the children came, and we sleep in the nude more often.

I hope you’ll print this. More marriages would take a turn for the better if couples made time for each other and discovered the wonders of massage. — HAPPIER THAN EVER

What we loved about this was the simplicity of the decision they made to turn off the television and INVEST in their marriage.

Over the years, we have used this strategy in different ways.  Many years ago we would turn the TV off and play Yahtzee…just the two of us.  In the summer, we step away from the TV and the computers a couple of nights a week and sit out on the porch swing after the kids are in bed and talk.  In the past year, our Craig’s list hot tub has provided a little getaway for us right in our own yard.

It’s always a challenge to start a new routine…but when it comes to our marriage it’s worth taking the challenge!  Yes, you might have to give us some computer time or your favorite television show.  But isn’t your marriage worth it?

Investing in your marriage doesn’t have to cost a dime…it just requires a little bit of intentionality.  Don’t you think “intentionally investing” in your marriage might be the best Valentine’s gift you could give each other this year?

What about you? What “doesn’t cost a dime” changes have you or are you making to invest in your marriage?

Friday's Quote of the Week

"Trials will come and that's a given. Are we going to resent God for allowing them and then grow bitter? Or, will we remember that God is good, God is in control, and that God knows better than we do?" - Gary Thomas

Friday's Quote of the Week

We say, "God I am sorry I let you down!" God says, " How could you have let me down, when you weren't holding me up in the first place?" - Ken Osness

Friendship Takes Courage

Men’s friendships are not talked about nearly as often as women’s friendships, but that doesn’t change the truth.  We all are created to live life in relationship with other people. 

If we never saw our parents invest in adult friendships, it’s very likely that we don’t know where to start when it comes to building friendships as men.
In pursuing friendship, I have have found this to be true. Uncomfortable is an ok place to be. Most of us will feel a bit uncomfortable when we take the risk of a deeper conversation. Once I realized that building friendships takes courage, I put on my courage and pushed through uncomfortable.

Guys, What makes you uncomfortable in pursuing friendships? Some statements I have heard over time are this:

• I don't really have time...
• I don't really need anyone else...
• I have my family, or my wife...
• Where would I even begin?

Maybe you have said similar statements? What would your statements be?

Another reason for discomfort might be our own fear to really be ourselves.  I have learned that genuine friendship requires everyone to really be themselves.

Guys, I sincerely hope that as you consider friendship, you will gather your courage and push through uncomfortable.  You are worth it!

Building Environments

Hey Dad, thanks for joining in on the conversation today! I am patterning our conversations for the next few Wednesdays after Jill's book "My Heart's at Home." Her book gives a vision for moms and dads in the types of environments we build in creating healthy homes. I have found for many of us dads, our hearts are in the marketplace or anywhere but home. 

One environment we cooperatively build in our homes is that of a safe house.  When home is a safe house, it provides a foundation of safety  in family relationships. This safety is what is needed  for us to securely and intimately attach to those closest to us. A safe house is one where we and our kids can make mistakes, find successes, develop emotionally and mentally and discover who we were created to be. In the Savage's Safe House we have these environment builders in place.

1) Respect is Required. Respect is the cornerstone of a safe family.When our thoughts, feelings, emotions and person is respected, we feel secure.

2) Grace and Forgiveness is Practiced. There is nothing better in the world than to be celebrated for who you are. The natural place for this to happen is within the family home. Yet, when we live closely with other people, it becomes easy to criticize each other's shortcomings rather them to celebrate our differences. Dad's we can train our kids in forgiveness and grace, as well as healthy conflict resolution skills. Alongside of training them is the priority that we are pracrticing these skills ourself.

3) Listen Intentionally. I have found it so easy to nod and groan as if I am listening and honestly I didn't hear a word that was being said. Jill and I have worked hard over the years to stop what we are doing and to listen with our eyes.

4) Make Failure Safe. Everyone of us will fail.  Many of us have never been trained to "fail" well. Our identity is not in what we do, it is in who we are in Christ. Yet, when we don't get that truth, failure becomes an issues of identity.  Dad's we can help our kids navigate failure and learn from it.

Dad, how are you at cooperatively building environments? How about this environment of safe house? Did you have that in your home(s) where your grew up? Let's talk about this!

Mark

Marriage Mondays

Our friend Jody made this statement, “The two best indicators of whether you’re living your value system are your calendar and your checkbook.”

As we start the new year, most of us give some thought to “resolutions,” or ways that we resolve to change.  We think about weight, fitness, being in the Bible more, slowing down, getting more involved, or not being over-committed. But how often do we think of “investing more in my marriage?”  Today’s Marriage Monday is about resolving to invest more in your marriage.

Mark says…
When Jill and I have hit the hard seasons of our marriage, we’ve done what we needed to do: get back to a weekly date, sort through issues with a counselor, increase our talk time at home, go to a marriage seminar, or read a book on marriage.
These are all great strategies for getting a relationship back on track, but the problem with all of them is that they are reactive.

Jill says…
Reactive strategies work for the short term, but a healthy marriage relationship requires us to be proactive far more often than we are reactive.  Unfortunately, too many marriages on put on autopilot.  They are virtually ignored until a crash occurs.  And then the crash causes us to react.

Mark says…
Jill and I have definitely been in the reactive cycle before.  We identify a problem and patch up our relationship enough to get it back on track.  But this is a short-term fix, not a long-term investment.

Jill says…
As we launch into the new year, we all need to be proactive about investing in our marriage relationship.  The goal needs to be so intentional about deepening our communication and intimacy that there’s no need to be reactive!

Mark says…
Most of us would say that our marriage is a priority…but when we do an honest evaluation of our calendar, we see very little–if any–time set aside to spend time with our spouse.

Jill says…
We want to extend a challenge to you…and it’s one we’re extending to ourselves.  This week, set aside one hour to talk about strategies that you will set in 2011 to invest in your marriage.  Here are a list of ideas to get you started in setting some practical strategies in place:

• Set one evening each week as a no computer/no TV night that you and your spouse have a date in your own house. Play a board game or a card game, share dessert by candlelight, etc.
• Set aside a set amount of money every paycheck for you to spend on your marriage. Even $10/paycheck can make a big difference!
• Decide a regular date night and put it on the calendar. Make regular childcare arrangements: trade with another couple, ask Grandma and Grandpa, hire a teen in the neighborhood, etc.
• Take 15. Start a new routine of taking 15 minutes to sit and talk face to face before or after dinner each night.
• Hold hands and pray each night when you go to bed.
  
• Put dates on the calendar for an overnight getaway in 2011. It could be one or more nights where the kids go to grandma’s and the two of you stay home. It could also be a bed and breakfast getaway or a to visit to a place you’ve always wanted to visit.

We’re sure you’ll have even more practical ideas to share!  Put some strategies in place and share them with us this week so we can all be inspired!

Now start putting your priorities on the calendar.  We can’t wait to hear about your plans!

Friday's Quote of the Week

 "Forgiveness is our deepest need and God's highest achievement." - HoraceBushnell

the power of friendship

I have really grown to value my guy friends! In meeting with countless guys, the issue, longing and disappointments of friendship always seem to raise up. Like everyone, I have been disappointed in a friendship in which I truly thought we were friends. I am sure that I too have been a disappointment to other men who thought we were friends.

I have had many guys in my life want something from me, but in actuality they didn't want friendship.  It was one sided. Genuine friendship is two-sided and living.  Soooo, I have been mulling over what I believe to make up strong friendships. I wanted to dialog with you about my ideas and hear your thoughts as well. My friendship values are this:

1. NEED ME- I need male friends. Women do not make good guy friends. 
2. PURSUE ME - I want to be pursued by my friend and I am sure they want me to pursue them as well. I mean giving one another a call, stopping by, and staying in touch with one another
3. HEAR ME - I want to spend time with my friend, want him to hear me and want to hear him.  I want to be able to talk about the good and the bad.
4. HONEST TO ME - I want my friend to be honest with me and challenge me.
5. ACCEPT ME - I want my friend to accept me as I am, challenge me, but still accept me.
6. SIMILAR INTERESTS - I like to play! Guys are big kids! I want my friend to like similar things as me and vice versa.

How about you guys? What are your personal friendship values? Let's talk about this!

Mark

I am a dude with a tude!

Hi Dads, I don't know about you, but at times I can have an attitude! The attitude I am talking about is not a good one! It is worse then cocky! It is not one of pride! It is just plain ole' bad! My bad attitude takes on the title, "a dude with a tude!"

When my attitude is bad, I am short, anxious, irritable, angry and nasty. Are you with me man? Do you know what I am talking about? What is your tude like?


As I began to really look at my attitude seriously, I began to really seek help! I didn't want to live with my "tude" anymore!

I learned this strategy for overcoming a bad attitude:

1 - Stop, pray and repent. Sometimes this is literal, Stop and talk to God. Ask Him for His insight and His perspective. To repent is to clean up your attitude with God and than to make your attitude right with those you have hurt. Communicate to God and to your loved ones your desires and plan to change.

2- Take time to think through what you are feeling and thinking.  When I was first discovering my feelings I found a chart online that I posted on refridge.  May sound silly, but I was desperate. The following chart is one similar to what I found.

3- Ask for help, and make the choice to do right! I can remember saying to Jill. I need help! Will you help me think through this?

What about you dad? Any insights?  How have you handled your bad attitude?

You can do this! You can have a right attitude and forever influence your family!

Mark