Happy New Year!

As I look to 2011, I am looking to the encouragement I can be for dads and thinking of this discussion schedule!

• Mondays - Marriage Mondays - Jill and I together will discuss marital topics!
• Tuesdays - Self - Discussing developing ourselves physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally!
• Wednesdays - Parenting - Discussing parenting topics!
• Thursdays -  Friends - Discussing building healthy friendships!
  Friday - Quotes - Discussing thoughts and statements that have influence!
• Weekend - Spiritual - Discussing our spiritual lives and deepening our relationship with God!

Dads, I am taking this journey with you! I am praying and anticipating great things in our marriages, self, parenting, friendships and relationships with God!

Happy New Year!!!!!

Hey Dad do you want to play ping pong?

All of my kids are so different and enjoy so many different activities.  I am now realizing that when they were younger it was a bit easier to enter their world, lead them and interact with them in what they enjoyed most.

As they are maturing I have found it to be more intentional on my part. One of my sons loves ping pong.  I am not a good ping pong player, but I love my son and I love being able to be with him.

He beats me very time, but I am working to keep up with him and to be a challenge to him.  Last night I came the closest to winning, but yet again I am trailing him.

What I seriously realize is that when we are together playing we both win.  I love my son and because of that I want to enter his world, and enjoy him in what he enjoys.

Hey Dad...how are you entering your kids world of activities? Where are you finding this a challenge?

Mark

Marriage Mondays

Several years ago Jill and I were introduced to a great marriage book by Emerson Eggerichs called Love and Respect. This book transformed our thinking in many ways. The book Love and Respect is based upon the Bible verse from Ephesians 5:33 which says, "...each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

Eggerichs talks about the "Crazy Cycle." We certainly saw ourselves in that cycle. The crazy cycle happens when the husband does something unloving and the wife responds with disrepect. Then her disrespect causes him to be unloving again and she again responds with disrespect. And the cycle never stops until one or both choose to break the cycle and take Ephesians 5:33 to heart.

Here are our individual perspectives:

Mark Says:
In the verses before Ephesians 5:33, Paul talks alot more about how the husband is to love his wife. It's these words that convicted my heart even more. I particularly like The Message translation of Ephesians 5:25-33:

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage.


No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That's how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become "one flesh." This is a huge mystery, and I don't pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her..."

Wow that's alot to think about. Loving like Christ loved the church...you won't find a more sacrificial love than that!

Do my words to my wife bring out the best in her?

Jesus loves people as they are. Do I love my wife as she is or I'm I wanting to change her?

Jesus spoke words of truth with a heart of grace. Do I speak truth with grace?

Jesus was forgiving. Am I forgiving in my marriage?

Unconditional love is just that...it's unconditional. It's not based upon whether the person is easy to love at the moment. It isn't even based upon a feeling. I have to choose to love...each and every day.

From a practical perspective, I've found it valuable to ask myself, "Is what I am about to say or do going to feel unloving to her?

Jill Says:
The most transforming perspective for me was the concept of "unconditional respect." I'd never heard of such a term. In my mind, respect is earned. It's not unconditional.

But Ephesians 5:33 tells us that wives are to respect their husbands. Period. It doesn't say, "if he deserves it." Or "if he earns it." It's clear that it is a mandate...not a suggestion.

I've come to understand that I can show "unconditional respect" to Mark by believing the best in him, trusting him, and speaking respectfully to him.

Specifically, I've learned that the tone of my voice makes all the difference in the world. I can be right, but if the tone of my voice is wrong then I'm now wrong and I've missed my opportunity to make my right point. Sounds confusing, doesn't it? But it's completely true. HOW I say something makes the difference between being respectful or disrespectful. And this is huge for my hubby.

After many years of mentoring marriages, I can safely say that this is huge for every man. He longs to be respected by his wife. And when he feels respected, it's also much easier for him to be loving in return. So a new cycle begins. It's no longer a crazy cycle, but rather a healthy cycle.

The question I've learned to ask is, "Is what I'm going to say or do going to feel disrespectful to him?

What about you? How have you given or received unconditional love and unconditional respect in your marriage?

Mark

Today my baby is having her first baby

Wow, at any moment I am going to be a pappaw. Anne, my oldest child, is still my baby, is having her very first baby. Individuals would say, "it goes quick, make the most of it." I would kind of nod and go on with life not paying much attention to what they said.

So Hey DAD! Stop and hear me! It goes quick ,so make the most of your parenting and your relationship with your wife.

I am so proud of Anne and have no doubts in her ability to be a great mom. I am so proud of her intenionality in life, her confidence and courage, her willingness to keep gettting better, and the list goes on.  I am proud of Matt, her husband, my son-in law.  He is going to be an amazing dad because he is an amazing man.

Today, my baby is having her first baby...what an amazing day!

cjs - you won our book

Hi cjs. You won our book. I sent you an email. Could you respond to it and I will send you the book ASAP.

Congrats again!

Mark

Marriage Mondays

Check out Jill's blog where Marriage Mondays are posted....www.jillsavage.org

Do I have any Florida Blog Friends?

Jill and I are excited to be part of the Focus on the Family "Celebrate Family" Tour. We'll be at the Orlando, Florida, event on Wednesday, May 19.


If you live close enough to come to the Orlando event, we'd love to meet you! It's a FREE event at the Doubletree Hotel at the entrance to Universal Orlando.

If you don't live in Florida but have friends in Florida that might be interested in joining us for a great evening, please pass along this information to them!

We'll be discussing Living With Less So Your Family Has More! Also featured will be musician Jonny Diaz. You can find more information about the event HERE!

post before midnight

Hey all, To celebrate the Ultimate Blog Party 2010, I am doing a giveaway. During April 9 -25 if anyone leaves a comment on this post you're automatically entered to win our new release Living with Less so your Family has More book. The winner will be selected and announced on the 26th.

If you comment before midnight tonight you will be included in this give a way

i love my kids

Today, I awoke thinking how much I love my kids and their spouses.  I am remembering today when they were younger.  I have always believed I have had as much responsibility in caring for my kids as Jill.  From the beginning I would change their diapers, feed them, bathe them, would get up with them in the middle of the night when they awoke for feedings.  Yes, I would even do this when Jill nursed.  I would awake, change their diapers and bring the babies to Jill to nurse.  I would then take them back to their beds when they were finished.

I have stayed engaged in caring for my my kids throughout their growing up years. How about you dads?  How involved are you caring for your babies?Let's talk about it!

During April 9 -25 if anyone leaves a comment on this post you're automatically entered to win our new release Living with Less so your Family has More book. The winner will be selected and announced on the 26th.

Thanks for stopping by...Mark

Ultimate Blog Party 2010

Wow! My wife "Jill" introduced me to the Ultimate Blog Party 2010 at 5MINUTESFORMOM.COM. I am discovering they have many great blogs for dads written by dads.

Not only that, but there are also prizes involved! I know Jill has her eye on the Hilton Garden Inn Hotel Package or the Gift cards being offered to Target, Amazon, or Apple! I'd honestly be happy with any of the prizes they are offering!

If you are a blogger you can join the party anytime this week. If you are not a blogger, they still have ways for you to join in the fun. Click here for more info.

To celebrate the Ultimate Blog Party 2010, I am doing a giveaway. During April 9 -25 if anyone leaves a comment on this post you're automatically entered to win our new release Living with Less so your Family has More book. The winner will be selected and announced on the 26th.

I hope you have as much fun blog-hopping as I'm having this week!

Welcome to Marriage Monday (even though it is Tuesday)

Today Jill and I are starting what we hope to be a weekly feature on our blogs: Marriage Monday.

Jill and I speak and write together about marriage. Each Monday we'll share about a common marriage struggle and how we've learned to handle it. You just might want to share these Monday posts with your spouse!

Jill says:

"He's not wrong, he's just different. He's not wrong, he's just different." I repeated that phrase over and over through clenched teeth as I tried to keep perspective in one more clash with my wrong unique, very-different-from-me husband.

Honestly Mark and I are complete opposites.


He likes coffee; I like tea.
He likes mornings; I'm a night owl.
He prefers spicy food; Mild for me.
He is an extrovert; I'm an introvert.
He's an external processor; I'm an internal processor.

When we were dating, those differences drew us to one another. For the past 27 years, they've been driving us crazy.

But God didn't make a mistake when He brought us together on a blind date right after I graduated from high school. I've come to learn that those differences are designed to do two things:

1) They complete us.
2) They refine us.

Our differences are complementary. While Mark has no trouble getting up with the kids in the morning, I don't do mornings so well. And when Mark wears out early in the evening, I'm fine staying up for our teenagers to be home by a midnight curfew. His desire to talk through issues draws me out. My desire to think deeply about decisions prompts Mark to think more thoroughly at times.

Our differences refine me. Author Gary Thomas asks the question, "What if God gave us marriage, not to make us happy, but to make us more holy?" I've come to realize that dealing with our differences sometimes brings out a not-so-pretty side of me. In those unlovely moments, I can choose to rationalize my behavior or I can own my behavior: tell God--and Mark--I'm sorry. When I'm able to do that, I find myself closer to both God and my husband.

Mark says:

When Jill and I first met, I loved how different she was from me. Places I was weak she was strong. And places that she had little experience, I excelled. We were the perfect team...until we said, "I do," and started living day in and day out together.

I must admit, I honestly thought our differences would eventually disappear with enough years of marriage. The Bible talks about "oneness" and that's what I thought "oneness" meant. We would eventually think the same and decisions would be made together very easily. Because I was not defining "oneness" correctly, when our differences have felt so challenging I have wrongly believed them to be a liability to our relationship. "This is just too hard," I've muttered under my breath too many times. My wrong expectations of how I thought marriage should be was keeping my heart discontent much of the time.

Jill and I have always believed in the value of counseling. We've sought out marriage counseling in our toughest seasons and personal counseling when we feel the need to strengthen our own emotional health. Between counseling and allowing God to refine me, I've come to a new understanding of what "oneness" really is. "Oneness" happens when we accept and embrace our differences and are committed to working together for the common good of the family.

This new definition has brought about a new calm in my heart. My expectations have drastically changed. I'm not looking for decisions to always be easy anymore. We still have to work hard to blend our perspectives at times. I now realize that we will always be different. I have laid down the divisiveness. I've stopped trying to change Jill (well, at least most of the time!)

I'm still working on embracing those differences, but my guess is that will be a lifetime journey!

i don't want to talk about it

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Hey dads, have you ever said this to your wife?

Early in marriage I found myself making this statement to Jill…often. Inside of me, I hardened my heart and shut down my mind to those hard conversations. I now understand I did this because I didn’t want the conflict. I didn’t know how to have those hard conversations. I didn’t believe I could win. I wasn’t sure what my issue or perspective actually was. And I didn’t want to tell the truth, for fear of hurting Jill or once again experiencing conflict.

I made radical changes when I pursued a professional counselor to help me sort through my thoughts. Additionally, I read books about marriage, conflict, and communication, and sought out others to mentor me through this. I also got honest with myself, asking “If I were responding to my boss like I am responding to my wife, would I still be employed?” I also asked myself, “Why am I giving more effort to my job over my spouse?”

I’ve learned that shutting Jill out destroys her trust. She craved to hear my heart and my thoughts. She needed me to engage.

After years of mentoring hurting marriages, I believe many divorces could be averted by taking this one step in marriage. In being honest I found the fears I believed were unwarranted. I also learned that I needed the conversation probably more than she did. When I communicated on a continual basis with her, it cleared my head and my heart.

Here are some strategies I have learned:
1. Make time for conversations each day, approximately 15 minutes, asking how was your day and what are your expectations for tonight? Keep the conversation going by asking questions.
2. Set a time to talk through harder issues. I have learned that I do best when I write down my thoughts and have that piece of paper with me for these types of conversations.
3. Don’t be afraid to visit a professional counselor to get past a place in which you continually find yourself stuck. Emotional health is just as important as physical health.

Do you find yourself shut off in marriage? How are you moving past that place?

i loved watching my boys playing today

Kolya, Austin, Adam and Mason were playing outside today. The last two boys listed are my boys best friends. Today these boys played hard and lived many great adventures.

Kolya pulled the boys on a plastic sled behind our lawn tractor. These four friends played air soft - fighting many wars. I loved watching the boys playing and experiencing their adventure.

What amazed me most though was when I looked outside of my second story bathroom window and I saw 4 sets of Walmart bags, turned into parachutes with a GI Joe soldier dangling beneath each one, floating through the air. Today we had winds that were topping out at about 30 mph. These 4 parachutes were cruising high. As I watched these parchutes flying, I looked to my right and saw 4 boys standing on top of our barn screaming with excitement at the site of their parachutes flying.

Their fun took me back to when I was a kid and I used to do the same. I do have to admit though that I still love to play. I don't think and I surely hope that I never outgrow this love of play. I am thankful that Jill and I encourage play and fun. We believe this is needed for boys and we as parents must make room for this in theirs and our lives.

How do you make room for play in your kids lives?

who is that woman and how did she get there?

My oldest daughter, Anne, is due to have her first child and our first grandchild in 3-4 weeks. I am absolutely excited about being a pappaw.

Truthfully, I am also overwhelmed or awed. I look at Anne and in my heart still lurks that little girl, who loves adventure, who is strong, who helped build our house, who would love to go to Menard's with her daddy, who is creative, who paved the way for her brothers and sisters. These are just a few of the memories stored in my heart.

I also can remember my personal immaturity as a dad. I made so many mistakes. In many ways, I was a child father raising a child. I marvel at how much I didn't know as a father and even more amazing is how incredible she is.

Navigating fatherhood is tough. Mostly I think this is true because we are maturing right alongside of our children. Here are a few lesssons I can think of that I learned over time.

1. Be the parent. Our job is to be the parent. Our kids need this authority. My job is not to be their friend. As our children mature friendship happens naturally.
2. Stay calm. Our kids need us to be calm and stable in the midst of conflict, challenges, discipline, correction, coaching and influencing. They need our calm in the midst of their storms.
3. Admit your faults. Our kids are deeply influenced by our willingness to admit when we are wrong and to ask for their forgiveness.
4. Look for teachable moments. Like me I usually realize this was a teachable moment after the fact. I have learned that you can go back to your child and teach to that moment.
5. Give your kids room for adventure. Our kids need room in their lives and schedules to play, to be creative, to adventure, to fail. Important life lessons happen here.

Dads, what mistakes have you made and how are you handling it? What important lessons have you learned? Let's chat about it!

Mark

Here's To You!

Hey Dad’s - Happy New Year! Thank you for connecting to this new blog, “Dad You Can Do It!” My passion for you, as a dad, is that you feel equipped in this role called “dad.” You can do it and you can be good at it!

Possibly, like myself, you may not have had a positive father role model in your life. Whether you had a good role model or not, you probably question yourself nearly everyday. I want to join you in this season of life. Parenting is one of the most incredible, and sometimes most frustrating experiences. But it’s best not to do it alone. Together we can navigate fatherhood.

Be sure to join me on a consistent basis. Share your challenges and your successes. Together we can build a community of dad’s that can do this thing called Fatherhood well.

So…Dad…here’s to you. You can do it!


Mark